Post-Partum Body Bliss

My youngest child is 8 weeks old (2 months for those of you who don't do "week" speak). I have officially lost all the weight from the third pregnancy, plus an additional one pound. I was literally ecstatic when I stepped on the scale and made that discovery. I did a little dance, immediately informed my husband, who in turn suggested we "celebrate", and had a little extra bounce in my step that day. Now, it seems the time has come to start attacking the pounds I still carry from my first two pregnancies. Something tells me that's going to be a lot more work.

Being pregnant puts your body through its paces. Crazy things happen. Your hair stops falling out. You might get stretch marks. You may put on an obscene amount of weight. You crave strange foods. Your hormones rage out of control.

But what about after pregnancy? Well, after pregnancy, there are dirty little secrets that mothers forget to tell each other.

1. Your hair starts falling out. It doesn't just "fall" out. Clumps of it stick to your hands when you wash your hair. Your brush is so overwhelmed with excess hair you'd think you just brushed your golden retriever after a long, cold winter. Your bathroom sink and floor looks like a Wooki slept there. And drains are no longer your friends.

2. Your skin can look like you're a 12-year old boy with a penchant for all things greasy. If you were lucky enough to have that "glow" of pregnancy and have the best looking skin of your life, you might catch the downside of that on the post-partum flip side. Or you could be like me and have pregnancy hormones rage war against you on the outside and then post-partum hormones do the exact same thing 40 weeks later. Good time, I tell you. Good times.

3. One post-partum upside: Your boobs look fabulous! Especially first thing in the morning. They put a plastic surgeon's best work to shame. But with this fabulosity, comes a price...to anyone who has a desire to touch the beauties. Because if any hand comes near, it's sure to get slapped faster than a mosquito in July. As good as they look, those suckers are rock hard and they can hurt like hell until they've been deflated properly.

4. Stretch marks. The "war wounds of motherhood". And let me tell you, they look good! I didn't get any with my first, got a few with my second and the third really went for the gold. The marks on my stomach look like the flames of hell are reaching out to get me.

5. Your stomach. I've heard the "deflated balloon" reference more than once. I prefer the "guy who likes to make his belly button talk on his 50-year old beer belly" reference. It's a lot closer to reality. A deflated balloon actually gets pretty flat once it deflates. My belly is nowhere close to flat. Now, I don't actually go around "talking" with my belly button, but I could, and if I did, and you were drunk, you'd think it was hysterical.

6. Hemorrhoids - they're not just for pregnancy anymore! And let's just say, I have a close, oh-too-personal relationship with that statement. And it's one I hope to NEVER repeat again. Shudder.

And finally...

Here it is folks. The big one. The one NO ONE speaks of. What could it be? Steel yourselves. I'm going where no mother has gone before.

7. Post-partum poop. That's right - poop. No one will tell you this, but the code of silence MUST be broken. The first poop you take after you have a baby is quite possibly, quite literally, quite unimaginably - AS PAINFUL AS LABOR. That's right. You heard it here first. And do you know why it's so bad? Because no one warns you about it! And do you know why else it's so bad? Because while when you're in labor, you have this lovely little hormone your body releases so you don't actually remember the pain of labor. Yeah, well, your ass doesn't come with that lovely little hormone. Neither does it come with the ability to stretch to 10 centimeters, which is what you will feel like you both need and deserve as you sit on the toilet, crying and begging for it to JUST STOP! I know it's an ugly topic, but it must be said people. And please, if you know a pregnant woman, especially one who's pregnant for the first time - do the poor woman a solid and tell her about the first poop. She'll thank you later.

So, there you have it...some of the blissful moments that accompany you through your post-partum journey. A form of birth control in it's own right.