Work for It

A friend's post today was about the lack of an immediate "bond" with his kids after he and his wife adopted.

You can read his post here:

http://temorgan.blogspot.com/2010/04/babys-smile.html

This got me to thinking...

While he had a little warning, not to expect a Hallmark moment the second he met his kids, birth parents don't really get this warning. And, to be honest, they need one. Especially if birth parents have more than one child. The first kid sort of lucks out...there's a newness never experienced by the parent. Every smile has a nuance, every cry is immediately answered, every diaper is barely wet before it's changed, every bottle is warmed to the perfect temperature. For every child after that, I have a piece of advice for you:

You gotta work for it.

It's not that second and subsequent children aren't loved. It's simply that the connection takes longer to build. The newness of the first child isn't there anymore. Parents have heard all the cries, have been through the sleepless nights and they're over it. And here's the kicker...nobody tells you it's ok to not be over the moon over your latter children, or even your first, for that matter. Nobody says, "Hey, you know what? You might not like your kid too much the first few months. You might resent the hell out of that baby for ruining your sleep and your ability to function like a human in the daylight hours. You might feel like you need liquor on a more consistent basis. You might have a shorter temper with your first born. AND IT'S OK."

Well, you know what? It is ok. And 99% of the time, that feeling will subside. I don't know if it's different for dads, but I know it was very different the 2nd and 3rd time around for my husband. It took him a full month to connect with our 2nd. Up until then, he was tired, I was a wreck, neither one of us knew which end was up and the baby gave him nothing. Then, on her one month birthday, he was holding her, talking to her and she cooed at him. I saw the whole thing happen. His shoulders relaxed, the two of them had an in-depth conversation, he looked over at me and said, "Ok, she got me now. We can keep her." I nodded my assent and they've been inseparable ever since. The same thing happened with number 3. We get to keep him too.

So, if you've got more than one kid, know it's ok to not be over the moon immediately. It will, most likely, come. In the meantime, give yourself a break and remember that LOTS of other parents have experienced the same thing.

And most of those parents did, in fact, keep their kids.