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And She's Off!

I pictured it like this:

My husband would be at work. The girls would be playing. I would probably be folding laundry or cleaning up the breakfast dishes. The phone would ring. The lovely man at the other end would offer me the job, insisting on paying me at least $25 an hour. Although the job was only temporary, they would be so impressed with my skills at the end of the temp period, they would insist I stay on full-time, with incredible benefits. I would make enough money that my husband could stay home with the girls and stop killing his body with manual labor. I would be able to plan an extraordinary, extravagant birthday party for my husband's 40th this summer. I would start writing on the side, secretly sending manuscripts off to publishers. The manuscript would sell, the publisher would option 3 more books, and by the time I finished the last book, I would be able to work from home and we'd be able to start traveling the world with the girls.

Here's what actually happened:

My husband went to work. The girls were playing. I was making phone calls to the insurance company and the bank. I checked my email while I waited in customer service hell. One email looked promising, but actually read something like, "I'm really sorry to have to send you an email. If it makes you feel better, the two people we hired were really terrific in a very tough pool of competition. You have a lot going for you and I hope you keep your head up as you continue your job search."

And the daydreaming came screeching to a halt.

The whole situation is odd, really. I didn't want to go to the interview in the first place. I went and ended up really enjoying the process, the interaction with adults. The job would have been freaking perfect. I walked out feeling really confident. The interviewers seemed to really like my answers, I made them laugh, they didn't make me sweat. All in all, it was a great scenario. So, I started daydreaming (see above) and then I got the email this morning.

And now I'm back where I started - debating whether I really want to work while the girls are this little; debating if my husband's body can stand up for a few more years until the girls start school; debating if our marriage can continue to stand the stress of one source of income in trying economic times. Debating, debating, debating.

And you, dear reader, any debates going on? Internal or otherwise? Feel free to share...

And I'm Back

So, I took a not-so-brief sabbatical from the blog world. To be perfectly honest, I was debating whether or not to continue this blog, because I wasn't entirely sure where I wanted the project to go. I've done some considering and I've decided to continue taking the plunge. I have gotten some positive feedback from several readers and that gave me a nice little boost. So, thank you readers, for liking what you read. Please feel free to offer writing suggestions, comments, etc.

It's a new year and this year I did make some resolutions. It's not something I normally do, but for some reason, this year I felt compelled to do so. I feel like 2009 is going to be a big year and I don't really know why. I think part of it is the new presidency and part of it is the economy and part of it is my kids getting older and part of it is being more comfortable in my own skin. As far as the resolutions go, I made one specific goal for myself, one specific goal in regards to myself and my kids and one specific goal in regards to myself and my husband. I won't say I'm living each day by these resolutions, but they are in the forefront of my mind a significant portion of the time.

A few weeks ago, I joined Facebook. That is one crazy website. It's so much fun connecting with people I haven't spoken with in years. I've found people from college, high school and grade school! Crazy! One of the fun activities floating around the site is this note called 25 Random Things about Me. In the interest of the blog, I thought I'd post my own version:

25 Random Things about Me as a Mother:
1. I think being a mom is really hard.
2. The hardest I ever cried was when I found out I had to go for an upper level ultrasound for my oldest daughter because there might have been something wrong with her. She was perfectly fine.
3. I think I'm pretty good at picking my battles as far as the girls are concerned.
4. My kids' first names both start with A.
5. I have a hard time keeping a straight face when the girls do something naughty.
6. I insist the girls say "please" and "thank you" all the time.
7. I rarely buy clothes for the kids at full price.
8. Sometimes I forget to brush their teeth.
9. My youngest daughter emits pure joy from her tiny little being.
10. My oldest daughter is scary smart.
11. I try really hard not to compare my kids to each other.
12. The first four months after I had my second child was a very difficult time in my marriage.
13. The first four months after I quit my job was really hard for me.
14. I lose my patience with my kids and I have yelled at them, even though I know I shouldn't have. This is something I'm really working on and I'm getting so much better.
15. I check on the girls every night before I get into bed.
16. Going to school with the girls makes me very happy.
17. I could care less that my house is a disaster.
18. It will be a rare day that I bake cookies for my kids. I hate to bake.
19. I hope to teach my daughters to be strong, independent, loving and empathetic. I think it's working so far.
20. I am so happy that my daughters have wonderful, involved, loving grandparents.
21. My children both tell me they love me and I honestly believe they know and understand what they're saying (they're 2 1/2 and 1 1/2)
22. I hope to always have a strong, close relationship with my girls.
23. I am fully aware that my daughters and I will have an almost constant battle of the wills, and there are times I will definitely lose those battles.
24. Although we will have battles, and although I will lose, I will ALWAYS love these children.
25. As hard as being a mom is, can be and will be, I can't imagine not being one.

And you, dear reader, do you have your own list of random things about yourself? On Facebook, you share with your friends. Feel free to share yours with me!

To Be or Not To Be

I had a conversation with some other parents the other day and the topic revolved around "shy" children and separation from their parents. Almost all the parents and their respective child(ren) had issues with "shyness", particularly in groups. For some children, shyness is the correct term; for others, perhaps the notion of "warming up" or "thinking" or "observing" is more accurate.

I wouldn't qualify my children as shy. My oldest certainly takes her time warming up to new activities and may keep her distance at the beginning, but once she's had a chance to check things out, she jumps right in and starts playing. My youngest acts similarly at this point.

After talking to the other parents, however, I came to realize that "shy" isn't a problem just for the child; in fact, I'd venture to say it's more a problem for the child's parents. We want our children to have fun, be outgoing, make friends, be funny; essentially, we want them to be wonderful specimens of humanity that everyone else wants to love and be around. In short, we don't want them to have any of our crap. And by crap, I mean our issues, hang ups, hold ups, etc.

Personally, I'm not comfortable in large group settings or settings where I don't really know anyone. I don't particularly enjoy having to put forth the energy it takes for me to meet new people, remember names, tell witty anecdotes; I'd rather be home reading a good book. This being said, I don't want my kids to have this issue, and I don't want my issue rubbing off on them. So, now, when I'm in a group and the girls are there, I really have to try hard to promote this more outgoing type of personality that isn't really me. It's a stretch for me, but at the same time, I think it's good for me to try something new. I am and always will be an introvert at heart, but sometimes you need to put yourself out there and try something different.

What about you, readers? Do you find yourself doing things differently now that you have kids? Are there aspects of your personality you want your children to have? Aspects you don't want them to have? Do you act differently in certain situations?

Patience is a Flower

In college, a friend of mine had a little saying taped to her wall:

Patience is a flower that does not grow in my garden.

If you knew my friend, you knew this saying to be true.

Personally, I've always thought of myself as a relatively patient person. I tend toward the type A personality, but I'm pretty calm in my nature. Not the go out, party all night, dance on the tables type of girl (although there have been times I've secretly wanted to be that girl). But I digress...

I bring up the topic of patience, because since having kids, my patience is constantly tried in new and interesting ways. And there are times when my lack of patience really gets the better of me. I find it happens most recently with my 2-year old. Abby's always been a pretty easy kid. She eats well, sleeps at night, takes her nap, has a good attitude, is smart, does what I say for the most part. Lately, however, she pushes the limits. In my head, I understand she's 2 and this is what kids do - they push their limits with the ones who love them the most because we're the safest ones with whom to act this way. But because she's always been such an easy kid, I find her being difficult extremely trying in the patience arena. I can only answer "Why" and "Why not" so many times a day. I can only repeat her phrases back to her so often. I can only give her exactly what she wants 85% of the time.

The parents in Abby's class seem to be having similar difficulties with their kids, which, quite honestly, makes me feel a lot better. I take comfort in the fact other peoples' kids give them a hard time too. It makes me feel a little less alone in the battle. During Abby's classes, we do a separation time, so the kids get to play by themselves and the parents get to have some discussion time. Yesterday's discussion centered around how the kids are trying us right now; the kids in this class are 2 and 3. And you know what? Every one of those parents admitted their kids drive them crazy at times. And they all had problems with losing their patience.

So, what gives? Obviously we all want to be the best parents we can be. But when the kids aren't being the best they can be, how do we handle it? Do we use time outs? Discipline? Remove ourselves from the situation? Yell? Have an extra glass of wine that night?

Come on readers, what do you do, when the patience flower is wilting in your garden?

Shopping Tip

My children are severely lacking in the chub arena. They're both rather long, but neither one is particularly chubby. This can make pants a problem as they tend to fall down...all the time. It's mostly a problem when it comes to jeans. Even though most jeans have elastic bands, they still tend to be too large. And jeans are basically a staple for kids, right? Particularly for the kids who play hard and live in the colder climates.

Cherokee, a Target brand, has come up with a solution to the pants falling down problem. Essentially, they make tiny little maternity pants. You know, the pants with the buttons on the inside of the waistband, so you can pull the elastic tighter and then let it out as necessary? Well, Cherokee has this in some of their jeans now. And it works wonderfully well! Although I'm quite certain my girls will outgrow the length of their jeans before they need the waistbands let out, it's great to have a pair of pants that will actually stay where they're supposed to be! I even lucked out and found 2 pair of size 2s for around $9 a piece. Talk about a bargain!

My friend has a little boy with similar waistband issues. She's mentioned the Gymboree brand also carries similar pants styles with the adjustable waists.

Solo Weekend

As you know, my husband works and I stay home with the kids. With that particular set up has come compromise, the occasional argument, feeling of bitterness, moments of feeling put out; the list goes on and on and applies to both my husband and myself. For the most part, we work through things, but sometimes the feelings, no matter how ridiculous at the moment, rule the roost.

My husband is a hunter. For him, and his family, pheasant hunting is basically the end all be all. He literally lives for this time of year. I am not a hunter, but it is in his blood and he loves to do it. This year, I decided to really go the extra mile and encourage him to hunt as much as he can during the weekends this fall. Pheasant season basically goes from the 2nd weekend in October through the 1st of the year. Dana works very hard for us at a job that's very physically demanding; he deserves to have some weekends to enjoy himself.

Although he deserves his weekends, I continue to find it difficult to "let" him go out and have fun. It's not that the girls and I don't have fun while he's gone, but when he's gone, I'm literally on duty 24/7 until he gets home. And, if we're being perfectly honest, I'm never really not on duty. Sometimes, I'm simply sharing the duty for a few hours.

So, how do I resolve these feelings? I want my husband to go out and have fun. I want to go out and have fun. I don't want to be bitter about my husband having fun without me. Is it possible to accomplish all the aforementioned? Or does something have to suffer?

What do you think, readers? Suggestions? Ideas?

A Moment of Enlightenment

Every night before I get into bed, I check on my girls. They're generally fast asleep when I go in there and they usually don't waken when I enter their room. Every once and a while, though, I step in the wrong spot at the wrong time and one of the girls wakes up a bit.

The other night, my oldest woke up and was very upset about something she wanted to sleep with but wasn't in her bed. It took me a bit to understand what she was saying (she was mostly asleep and she's only 2) but I finally understood she wanted this little glowworm toy she's been obsessed with lately. I couldn't find the toy in her crib, so I gave her a puppy instead and she went back to sleep.

After getting the girls tucked in, I went into my room and got ready for bed. I had no intention of looking for the glowworm, but I happened to find it in my drawer, so I took it back into the girls' room. My oldest daughter barely opened her eyes, stuck her hand in the air, took the proffered toy, mummured "thank you" and promptly went back to sleep.

As seemingly insignificant at this moment may seem, to me, it really solidified my role in my daughters' lives. My daughter inherently seemed to know I would supply her needs/desires. I didn't even know I would find the toy, but apparently she had no doubts. It also told me something about the connection we have. Upon entering the room, I didn't have to say a word; my daughter simply knew why I was there and what I was doing.

There are days I feel like I'm still playing dress up at being a mom. I don't feel like I look and/or act like the other groups of moms you see everywhere or the groups of moms I saw all the time when I was a kid. But moments like the other night, simply supplying a toy, make me realize that to my daughters, I am the mom, whether I always feel like it or not.

I'd Tap That

Forgive my sassy title, but the following story should help clarify:

A couple weekends ago, I went shopping. Big deal, right? People go shopping all the time. Well, the shopping trip was important for 2 reasons:

1. I hate to shop.
2. I needed to buy pants.

Now, my fellow females will best understand what I mean when I say I needed to shop for pants. And my fellow females who've given birth, ever, will understand the process even better. Pants shopping can be a painful, time consuming project. No pair ever fits the same and you have to try on everything. For the non-shopping type like myself, it's akin to a trip to the dentist. Since having the girls, I've not really gotten back into my pre-pregnancy clothes the way I would like to and have chosen to wear ill-fitting pants that are technically too big rather than endure the tribulations of pants shopping.

I had a gift card to Macy's and the department store happened to be having a sale that weekend, so I took a deep breath and steeled myself for a trying evening. I walked into the store and grabbed the first pair of jeans I saw. Ralph Lauren. Around $70. Now, I normally would not pay that much for a pair of jeans, but I was determined to have some pants that fit well, so I was somewhat willing to bite the bullet.

Joy of joys the freakin' jeans fit! Not only did they fit, but I was officially back into the single digit sizes. And let me just tell you, my ass looked great in these pants. I'm not an overly conceited person, but I was impressed by what I saw in the mirror, and honestly, how often does that happen?

So, I held on tight to those pants and buoyed by the fact the shopping wasn't painful yet, continued to shop. I came across Levi's that were on sale for cheaper than the RLs, so I gave them a shot. They fit! I came across another brand, Bandolinoblu, and they fit! Not only did they fit, they fit better than the RLs. I'm talking not too tight in the thighs, able to breathe sitting down, sticking the ole muffin top where it's supposed to go, good colors fit! And I'd only been in the store for about 35 minutes! I bought 5 pair and left as fast as I could.

Now, I'm not overly concerned about the size of my pants or the fact I have stretch marks on my stomach or that my stomach isn't so flat. But to walk into that store, dreading trying on pants and having to spend too much money, it was such a pleasant surprise to fit into pants that actually made me feel good. I walked out of that store with a spring in my step, a gleam in my eye and for the first time in a long time, I felt really good about myself. I worked hard with my running this summer and now I have my pants to show for it. My body is nowhere near perfection, or a size 00 (or whatever it is all those supermodels wear), but I am at a point where I'm much more pleased with it. And that is a fine place to be.

Goal (Halfway) Achieved

As I've mentioned before, when I decided to stay home with the girls, I also decided I needed a goal. A really hard goal, one that would make me work. After some consideration, I decided the Twin Cities Marathon would be my goal. So, a couple weekends ago, on a chilly and overcast Sunday morning, I made the grand attempt. My husband's friend was nice enough to run with me. I was a little nervous about running with someone, since I'd never really done it before, but he was a gem. Chatted with me, didn't make me run too fast, took off when he needed to and kept an eye out for me. A lovely running partner.

About a half hour into the run, it started to rain. And the rain just kept coming. At the start of the race, I mentioned to my running pal I wouldn't mind if it rained, as long as it didn't pour. Well, it poured...and poured...let up a little...and just kept raining. As I hit hour 2 or so, the rain finally let up. By this time, I was soaked to the bone and cold. I didn't mind my clothes being wet, but my shoes were soaked and I knew they wouldn't dry until I removed them. It was not a pretty picture.

At mile 11, my husband, his cousin and the girls were standing on the roadside waiting to cheer me on to completion. When I saw them, I thought, "Excellent. Here's my ride!" I kept going though, after a little break for kisses and hugs.

I made it to mile 13 and was still at least 3 hours from the finish line. At this point, my foot was hurting and I had gone longer than I'd ever run before. I debated, walking back and forth a few times, and finally decided to call it a day. A girl running by me said she was running the unofficial Half Marathon today, and that sounded like an excellent idea to me. So, I hopped on the bus and headed toward the finish line.

Now, my goal was to finish the marathon and I did not accomplish that goal. Having made it 13 miles, however, was tremendously satisfying to me. I think it's ok to not always accomplish our goals as long as we actually strive for them. Sometimes we pick goals that are too hard, sometimes outside sources keep us from our goals, sometimes we lose interest in our goals and move on to something else. As long as we keep striving for something, however imperfect the outcome, we continue to move foward in our lives.

And you, dear reader, what do you strive to accomplish? Any new goals these days? Any old goals completed?