My Life is Harder than Yours

My life is harder than yours. Yep, I said it. And I mean it. I've been thinking about this for a while now and it's simply the truth.

Now, this statement does not apply to all crews of people. For example, the gay crew still can't get married. So, they're out of the running. The Tea Party crew can't get the nomination (god willing) - although they were never actually in the running. And members of 2 Live Crew are still super horny, so they definitely have a harder life than I.

But all the rest of you? I so win. And here's a list of things to prove it. And it's in bold, so it's the Official List. If you think you can beat me, go ahead and try, but I'm 99% sure you're gonna end up suckin' dust. I've broken it down into sections, for easier tallying:

Wine

My life is harder than yours if:

You've never put ice cubes in your white wine because it was still room temperature.

You're not familiar with the following terms: Bota, Black Box or Franzia.

You've never had a glass of wine before 4 p.m. on any given day.

Sex

My life is harder than yours if:

You have a stronger sex drive than your significant other on a regular basis.

You're familiar with the term "foreplay". Apparently some people actually have time for this nonsense.

The sound of certain cartoon theme songs does not make you horny.

House

My life is harder than yours if:

Your house does not have spiders from the Dinosaur Age.

Your house is tidy on a consistent basis.

Your house does not have dust bunnies the size of a wooly mammoth.

Car

My life is harder than yours if:

You do not know what a minivan is.

You do not have unknown food particles strewn throughout your vehicle.

All your kids can fasten their own seat belts.

Kids

My life is harder than yours if:

You have less than 3 children. If you have more than 3, you've simply got that Duggar woman's crazy gene and we all know, you can't fix crazy.

You join a warehouse store for cheaper diaper and formula prices.

Your kid actually sits in the cart seat when you're at a store.

Money

My life is harder than yours if:

You're familiar with the term "disposable income" because you actually have it.

You've never been to Wal-Mart.

You've never crossed your fingers hoping a check won't bounce.

PMS

My life is harder than yours if:

You have a penis.

You've never started laughing or crying (or both at the same time) hysterically before, after or during sex.

You've never considered putting up a salt lick in your backyard.

Medications

My life is harder than yours if:

You don't take some pill of the "happy making" variety.

You don't have an emergency, just in case pill of the Valium variety.

You've ever NOT mixed your pills with your nightly glass of wine, because it "may cause excessive drowsiness."

Well Being

My life is harder than yours if:

You've never gone to the gym and sat in the whirlpool instead of working out because the childcare is free...and 2 hours per day.

You can do downward dog without pulling a muscle or getting a charlie horse.

You've never seen a woman (or man) on a treadmill and thought, "I hate that skinny bitch." And yes, that does apply to men too.

Body

My life is harder than yours if:

You're unfamiliar with the term "muffin top".

You've never looked at your ass and thought, "Where exactly do you think you're going?"

You've never grunted when you've stood up, sat down, laid down, inhaled...

So, there you have it. As you can easily see, my life is harder than yours. And sure, I know you think yours is so much worse. But this is the Official List and as we all know, officials never lie.