The Sex Talk

Disclaimer: If you are my mother or will have trouble looking me in the eye the next time you see me, you probably don't want to read this.

So, my dear friend is getting married next week and I'm in the wedding. Technically, I'm the "matron" of honor, but I hate that word, so no one's allowed to call me that anywhere other than the program. In an effort to help her with her pre-wedding preparations, I sent her a big long list of things she needs to do. One of the items was as follows:

Pack a bag for the wedding night. Lingerie and some comfy clothes for the next day.

She responded with some sort of garbled choke about the idea of the lingerie. I told her to pack it simply for the sake of packing it. If it doesn't get used, no harm done. After the newly anointed husband has removed all the pins from her hair, helped her out of her heavy dress and applied balm to her blistered feet, the mood might be broken anyways. But chances are, they'll do the deed and crash for a few hours. The deed may not be orgasm-inducing, but there's something to be said for having sex (or making love) or whatever you want to call it, on your wedding night. It might not be great, but it will be the first time you do it as married people. It's a moment, if nothing else.

Having relayed this information, I got to thinking about the topic of sex and the various types of sex people have. No, I'm not a sexual deviant or anything like that. But all women know there are a lot of different kinds of sex to be had. And the types of sex evolve over the years...substantially.

Here are a few I've come across over the years:

New Relationship Sex: This is the type of sex that you have for about the first 3 months of a new relationship, provided, of course, you're sexually compatible. This sex is teeth-rattling, head-banging, dehydrating, note-taking worthy sex. You have sex at least 3 times a day, you drop everything in order to do it and you swear you've never had it this good. This sex is so all-consuming you rarely see the light of day, you eat in your bed and you run out of clean clothes. And you don't care even a little bit. You don't work out and you don't need too...you're burning so many damn calories you could consume 6 Big Macs in a single sitting and not bat an eye. This sex is great, but only last for so long...because if it lasted for more than 3 months, you would both die. Literally. Death.

Relationship Sex: This is the sex that comes after New Relationship Sex. You've sustained yourselves long enough to have entered into a relationship, hopefully you don't have to worry about other "members" in your club, and you still do it as often as you want, but with more sleeping involved. It may not always be as excited as New Relationship Sex, but it won't kill you either.

Wedding Night Sex: I know this sex gets hyped a lot, but I don't get it. I suppose if you've never had sex before, (a topic hardly worth touching on, in all honesty) it's an extra-special night, but I don't know a single person who had mind-blowing sex on their wedding night. At the end of the day, you're tired, you're quite possibly hungry, maybe a little drunk and married. Save the good stuff for the morning and go to sleep already.

Pregnancy Sex: There are a lot of myths about pregnancy. The glow (it's oil), the crazy bursts of energy (never had even one) and horny pregnant women willing and able to take on and make up all sorts of crazy positions. My poor husband was so excited for the horny pregnant woman...he was sorely mistaken. Don't get me wrong...we had sex when I was pregnant. But was I jumping his bones twice a day, every day? Not a chance. At some point we did christen a new position though. We called it the Turtle. I would lay there, he'd attempt to curve his body over my huge belly, and sex happened. Neither one of us miss the Turtle, although it was always good for a laugh.

Barnyard Sex: This is post-pregnancy sex. And no, it's not at all what you're thinking. When the oldest was tiny, we'd put her in her barnyard play yard, so she would be occupied while we did the deed. To this day, that particular music drives us both wild.

Cartoon Sex: Hey, the kids have to be occupied by something if we're going to get around to it. They're too little to go outside and mow the lawn. The cartoons will have to suffice.

Multi-tasking Sex: Also known as Shower Sex. This folks, is multi-tasking at its finest. Not only do you get clean, your significant other gets to feel like they're getting some of the naughty stuff, and you can probably get the shower scrubbed down too. Win-Win-Win!

Late Night Random Sex: This is the good stuff. This is the stuff you have in the hopes of one day, when the children are all out of the house, regaining a little of the New Relationship Sex. It's the sex you have at the end of a long day, after the kids are in bed, maybe after a glass of wine or two, right as you're drifting off to sleep. One of you thinks, "Hey, why not give it a shot?" and after a little "convincing", the other thinks, "Yeah, what the hell, why not?" Time periods differ, but the end result is go-oo-od.

And you both wake up the next morning with a shit-eating grin on your face.