Rainbows, Puppy Kisses and Other Crap

This past Saturday I turned 34.

I like my birthday. Always have. I like getting presents, I like opening presents (ok, who are we kidding...I freaking LIVE for presents), I like getting a little extra attention, I like that I don't have to be in charge of the day but I can be if I want, I like eating whatever I want, I like making wishes - I pretty much like it all.

And I don't mind getting older. Although I will admit, 34 sounds a LOT older to me than 33 did. I do mind the gray hair that appears to be attached to my increasing age, but that's why someone got the bright idea to become a hairdresser, right? Just so I don't have to acknowledge my grays. Kudos, original hairdresser, whomever ye may be.

This year for my birthday, I decided to make some resolutions. For me, a new year begins with my birthday, rather than a calendar year. It just seems to make sense. I might make a few half-hearted attempts at a New Year's Resolution, but it's usually in the crapper by the end of that first week. So this year, instead of doing the New Year's thing, I'm going to start early.

Being a stay-at-home mom, I've found that's it's really easy for me to get stuck in a certain mindset. And for the past few months that mindset has been "Will this day never end, why can't it be bedtime, I'm so hungry I could eat my foot, will my stomach never be flat again, I'm so crabby I can barely see straight, where is the Chardonnay, why don't we EVER have enough chocolate in this house, why must this bra be so damned uncomfortable, oh great here's another friggin' bill, and if I ever see another gray hair on this head I'm going to lose my ever lovin' mind!" More or less. Usually more.

And quite honestly, I am sick to death of having this mindset, but it's a nasty old habit to break. I'm just not one of those naturally peppy, morning loving, puppy kissing, rainbow coming out of my ass kind of people. I tend toward the sarcastic, the dry, the realistic...and there's absolutely nothing wrong with these tendencies. What's wrong is getting so mired in looking only at the negative that my entire day is spent looking toward the end instead of appreciating the moment.

Part of this is because I am a planner...and right now I've got no plans.

Part of this is because I do the same thing, day in and day out, and it gets old.

Part of this is simply because it's easier to stay stuck that it is to break out of the muck.

But today (well, Saturday, actually), I made a resolution - a goal - a vow, to myself, to start digging out of the crap. To start appreciating the fact that my 4-year old is smart as hell and that's why she makes me crazy; to laugh more at the fact that my 3-year old is almost constantly in a state of undress; to look at my 9-month old, knowing that he's my last baby, and not want to rush him toward potty-training (like that would ever happen); to look at my husband at the end of the day and know that no matter how god damned tired we may be, we both did the best we could today.

And to know, above all, that what I'm doing now matters in a way that nothing else has really mattered before...and I'm not talking about being home with my kids. I can't honestly say that my kids are any better off with me being home than they would be in daycare. I don't know if that's true or not. And I don't really care, because it simply doesn't apply to my family right now. What does matter is that my kids have a mother who is deeply involved in their day to day lives, hopefully for the better, and that we're all in this together.

And hopefully, we'll all make it out alive. (Please refer to sarcasm comment above.)