Game On!

A friend and I have been very, very lazy. And by lazy, I mean he's been in and out of the hospital with pancreatitis, while being a stay-at-home dad to a 5 year old and almost 2 year old. I, on the other hand, am rarely lazy, although one look at the state of my floors and the various pieces of crap all over them and you would mo' definitely beg to differ.

Anywho, my friend and I have been lazy in pursuing our dreams of achieving invitations to the Today Show for stellar publications. And so, we have decided to egg each other on and essentially kick each other's asses, because truth be told, we ain't gettin' any younger.

So, here's what you need to know.

My friend's blog: www.temorgan.blogspot.com His blog is entitled Unconventional Wisdom and sometimes this smart ass guy named Smitty does an advice column of sorts. He has named his penis The Truth and due to his tendency to get a little loopy after taking his pancreatitis meds, he makes grand offers of kissing vaginas, due purely out of appreciation for the genital area and not out of some creepy need to see a plethora of pink tacos. He is a happily married man and the only woman who may make him slip is Princess Jasmine. But his wife knows all about it and we all know Jasmine's a super slut, so it's to be expected.

Mr. Morgan is painfully intelligent (card carrying Mensa member), has a wicked sense of humor, is a quiet man and I'm pretty sure he could easily cross over to the dark side and become some sort of evil genius, if Jasmine gets hold of him. He's a man who adores his family to a level not often seen outside a romance novel and it's the type of adoration one doesn't even think about not believing. What you see is mostly what you get with Mr. Morgan (like I said, there's that bitch Jasmine lurking.)

Mr. Morgan has agreed to work on a blog post per day and I believe he hopes to post a polished entry each day of the week. That is his challenge, should he choose to accept it.

And in the other corner, there's lil ole me.

I write the blog you're currently reading and hopefully will continue to keep reading. I feel like I'm at a crisis of crossroads kind of place in my life and at the moment, I don't like it at all. I'm cranky and depressed and pissy and all sorts of yuck. So, I'm hoping throwing myself into the blog will help me figure out some of this crap I call "Life."

As my part of the rumble, I have agreed to post to the blog Monday through Friday, as well as write at least 1000 words on another project that I hope to have published. Apparently, the only way you actually get anything written is by actually sitting down and making your fingers go tappity tap all over a damn keyboard, hoping that a few of the taps construct actual words. We'll see what happens.

So, the rumble in the jungle starts today. Mr. Morgan may have already started. I've given him fair warning I will be kicking his ass. We have a few fellow readers who are already placing money on The Truth, but we all know vaginas have much more staying power than those silly things winging around all over the place.

Game on, Mr. Morgan. Prepare to throw down.

Relationship Manifesto

I'm 35 years old (although the lady at my mom's party this weekend thought I was 18, so I like that idea much better). I've been married (once) for 7 years. We've been together for 9. Never broke up. I have three healthy, smart, goofy, crazy children. 2 girls and a boy. I have reached a point in my life where my relationship with these 4 people are the most important relationships in my world.

Of course, I have other relationships. Some are great. Some are not good. Some I'm not sure I want/need anymore. The ones that are not good and the ones I debate are the reason for this post, in a backhanded sort of way, because my Manifesto is based first and foremost upon my 4 most important people.

I think Marx broke his Manifesto down into particular points, so here are some of mine. I'm sure more will show up over the years, and maybe some will drop off, but as of today, here it is, in its thoroughly romanticized, yet well-meaning and hopeful bullet points:

The Parenting Relationship Manifesto

1. Parents will always have each other's backs, particularly in public. If something needs to be discussed in private later, so be it. But in general, parents will stand up for and support one another.

2. Parents will always stand up for their children. If someone wrongs the parent's child, said parent will show said child support up the ying yang. And if said parent needs to intervene with the wronging person, said parent will gladly and lovingly kick ass and take names.

3. The immediate family comes first. However the immediate family chooses to define "immediate" is up to them. For our house, it includes 5 people, 2 dogs and 2 cats. And the animals don't have much of a say...unless it's breakfast time.

4. Even if parents do not understand the immediate needs of a child, the parents will do all they can to make themselves understand. And if the parents do not agree with what the child needs, the parents and child will have an age appropriate discussion. And sometimes the parents will have to give in, because in their hearts, the parents know it's the best decision for the child in that moment.

5. Parents will truly, honestly and openly listen to their children. Parents will not always agree with their children, nor will children agree with their parents (approximately 80 percent of the time.) Regardless, parents will listen with respect and open hearts, so their children can learn to do the same.

6. Parents will use their roles as "heads" of the family for good. While there will be times for harsher forms of discipline, children are not army grunts or cheap labor. Parents will teach from a place of love and even when they blow their tops and lose control (which will happen often), parents will return to that place of love in the aftermath.

7. Parents will encourage their children. Parents will push their children to try new activities, to make new friends, to try a slimy, new vegetable. Parents will be silly, make animal noises, play on the ground, give piggy-back rides, make goofy voices when reading books and offer a willing lap at all times possible.

8. Parents will help shape, but never make their children. Children are born who they are. They come out with a personality and it's not a parent's job to change that personality. Parents will work on enhancing their children's natural abilities and provide ways for children to see themselves in a different light.

9. Parents will be parents, not friends. Children have plenty of friends. Parents will show children how to be polite, how to make friends, how to learn, how to exist in a world that can be plenty scary. Friends can teach them to make noises with their armpits.

10. Parents will let their children go. And they will always let them come back.

5 Things

I'm stealing this idea from mommyslounge.com. She stole it from someone else, so I think it's up for grabs.

Here's the background:

List 5 things we don’t know about you, 5 things you’re knowledgeable about, 5 things you know nothing about, and 5 things you believe.

So, 5 things you don't know about me:

1. I have a freckle in my left eye.

2. I played hockey in college. I'm a pretty good skater, decent on defense but can't score to save my life. I finally scored in my last game my senior year. I actually scored twice. I'm pretty sure something froze over that day.

3. All my kids are named after a family member, via their middle names. Elizabeth is for my sister and sister-in-law; Mackenzie is for my mom and step-father; Raymond is for my grandfather.

4. I have a really hard time falling asleep. I don't have insomnia, very often, but I have a horrible case of racing thoughts and they kick into full force as soon as I close my eyes.

5. I am working at improving my crocheting skills.

5 Things I'm Knowledgeable About:

1. I'm good at knowing people. I pay attention to people and am a really good listener. This comes in really handy when it comes to buying presents...one of my favorite things to do.

2. Through no effort on my part, I have become increasingly knowledgeable about interactions between human beings, particularly between family members. The older I get, the less patient I am with other peoples' crap and I am less willing to put my own energy into it, even when they try and drag me in.

3. I am knowledgeable about children. I have three of them. They are all very different. I have learned they've made me become more flexible and for that I'm appreciative.

4. I know how to swim really well. I love water. I love to be in it, around it, hear it, taste it. Water is my oasis. Always has been, always will be.

5. I know myself really well. I know when I'm crabby, I need to eat or take a nap or just get away from people for a while. I know that once and a while, I will laugh so hard that I will start to get hysterical, lose my breath and cry...and this will go on for at least 20 minutes. I know I love to cook and hate to bake. I know I'm a good writer, a voracious reader, a good cuddler and a fantastic procrastinator.

5 Things I Know Nothing About:

1. Directions. I don't know north from south, east from west. If someone gives me directions, it has to be "left" and "right". Don't draw me a map. I can't read them. And if you draw me one, you will succeed in pissing me off.

2. Homeschooling. It seems like a big trend lately and I don't get it. I think it's great that some people can do it, but I'm gonna just send mine to regular school.

3. Baking. I can't measure, I hate reading the directions and nothing turns out right. So, I just don't do it.

4. Drawing. I am horribly inartistic. I can't draw, cut a straight line or do any of that stuff. And if I try, I get supremely irritated.

5. Cars. I'm pretty sure I could change a flat if I had to and I can pump gas, refill the oil and wiper fluid, but that's about it. And I have zero interest in learning about it.

5 Things I Believe

1. I believe my husband loves me and knows, without a doubt, that I love him.

2. I believe my kids love me and know to the core of their beings that I love them.

3. I believe that although life is tough right now, we will see the light sooner than later.

4. I believe every house should have at least 2 bathrooms.

5. I believe I will never be more than a half-assed housekeeper...and I'm 70% ok with it.

I Don't Know How to Vacation

Yep, you read that right:

I don't know how to vacation. And I'm leaving for one in two days.

I used to know how to vacation. Hubs and I went on a glorious 2-week honeymoon to Greece and the Greek Islands. We ate, we drank, we slept in, we had sex on beaches with people within 1o feet of us - we had a good ass time and we knew what we were doing.

Hubs took me camping for a week and even though I am NOT a camper, even that was a vacation. There was wine, books, a hammock, fresh fish and I pretty much didn't have to do anything.

Major change since the last vacations: Kids.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like we haven't left the house since we've had kids, but kids and vacation do not meld well together, at least at this stage in the game. If you try to vacation with an infant, your life pretty much comes to a screaming halt every 2-3 hours so said infant can eat, burp, poop and then go back to sleep. It makes a 12-hour car ride turn into a 24-hour affair. If you've got toddlers in the mix, there's the potty breaks, the "I'm starving" breaks and the other potty breaks because "I didn't have to go then." I can't speak to vacations with the over 5 crowd, but I'm willing to bet they've got their own set of issues.

So, in 2 days, I am headed to Florida with my mother-in-law, her sister-in-law and my sister-in-law. It's a girls trip. And it came about because last spring my husband went on a 2-week hunting trip to Argentina with his dad and sister. Their spouses decided to make it a family venture, so I was home all by my lonesome with the kiddos. For 2 weeks. It was tough. But I told my husband to go on the trip and I sincerely meant it. How often does one get offered a trip like that? I've only seen it happen once, so I'm assuming not too often.

Well, my mil decided it wasn't fair that I didn't get to go, so she said we'll go on a girls trip later in the year. I thought it was a lovely offer, but didn't really expect it to happen. Not that she's a flake, just that it's much easier to say we'll do a trip than it is to actually plan it. But she planned it and I was the picker. I got to pick wherever I wanted to go, for one week. I debated a few different scenarios, but ultimately told her I don't care where we go as long as there is ocean, beach and relaxation. That was my sole criterion. So, she took care of all the arrangements and now we leave...on Thursday.

And I am freaking the shit out. I've started to hover around the children and husband. I make the baby nap with me. I try and sneak the puppy into bed with me every night. I'm trying to figure out a way to steal the kids' blankies without them having royal shit fits for my husband every night.

I've been away from the kids before. And I trust them completely in my husband's care. But I have never been away from all of them for this long. And while I'm sure the trip will be great, and while I definitely deserve this break (it's been over 5 years without a proper vacation), we are talking about 7 whole days from the insanity which is my life.

And it freaks my shit out.

Procrastination Nation

So, I'm trying to be more attentive to this blog of mine and get more into the swing of writing on a consistent basis. There's a small problem here:

I am a grade A, super powerful, uber, mondo, mucho Procrastinator. That's right. Capital P. It's that bad.

This is one of the things I like least about myself. No, this isn't a "beat up on Maegan" post, but it is an honest one.

I don't procrastinate on things like feeding the children, or changing diapers, or letting the animals outside or brushing my teeth, but when it comes to getting to where I want to be in life, ultimately being a writer and hopefully making some damn money doing it (not for the fortune of it, but hopefully for the ability to pay a bill or two of it), I keep putting it off. I'm not 100% sure why, but it's got to stop. Because it pisses me off, because it makes me feel lazy, because it makes me feel like it'd just be easier to go back to working in corporate (which makes me feel stabby), because my husband needs to be able to work less, because the kids are getting older, and because I'm generally a focused, motivated person. That is perhaps the most important reason.

It's so easy to get distracted when you're home all day with kids. There's always a tummy to fill, a butt to wipe, a ride to give, an owie to kiss, a load of laundry to do, a meal to cook, a face to wash, a dishwasher to load. And those are all important things.

But over the years (5 to be exact), I've learned that all that stuff is not enough to make me happy (and quite honestly, if it was, I would be afraid of myself). And all that stuff is ALWAYS going to be there. What's the saying? Something like "Cleaning up after kids is like shoveling during a blizzard." But I don't have any idea how long I'll have these ideas in my head. And if you don't do anything with them, they can disappear. And that makes me sad. I don't want my ideas to disappear because I'm too "busy" to do something with them.

November is National Novel Writing Month. I don't know who decided this, but I know at least one person participating this year.

Guess who?

Haters Be Hatin'

Today, I lost a "liker" on my Facebook page.

Guess why?

I can't be 100% sure, but I'm 99.999% sure it's because I posted something about the marriage amendment in MN (that's where I live). I posted a link to an article about a Republican politician who happens to be against the amendment. You can see the article here.

I have no political reasons for being against the amendment. I simply believe everyone should have the opportunity to be married if they so wish. And for the life of me I do not understand how someone can be "against" people marrying each other. If you want to be against marrying someone, then don't marry that person. That may sound overly simplified, but I really think it is a simple decision.

I don't think I'm a preachy person. I have gay friends. I have gay relatives. I know (gasp) bisexuals. I went to an all-women's' college and that joint was rockin' the lesbians. None of them tried to jump me. I did have one very sincere and sweet offer, if I ever decided to go the bi route, but that's because I was super cute, and not because gays/bis are predators.

Sometimes I post things on my Facebook page. Sometimes I post things like pictures of my kids. Sometimes I post sassy postcards from bluntcard.com. Sometimes I post links to articles and sometimes those articles are "controversial". I have opinions on things, and I certainly expect people to have their own opinions on things.

But to have someone "unlike" me, because they don't like a link to an article and for that person to go so far as to have to ask me HOW to unlike my page, seems a little much. I certainly don't agree with every thing every person says. If I did, I'd be a drone. For the record, I did tell the "unliker" how to unlike me, very respectfully, of course.

But I certainly do have enough respect for everyone, no matter their personal opinions and beliefs, to allow them a little something called "freedom of expression". I don't have to agree with them, but I feel it's only right to allow them the opportunity to speak their minds.

Just like the gays...and Republicans.

Coming and Punching

Anyone watch Californication? The main actor dude (the guy from X-Files) is a writer with serious trouble keeping his junk in his too tight pants. He writes a novel called Punching and Coming. Based on the show's title, you get the picture.

Well, I've got a different version and it's directed at the "special" parents.

Here are a few helpful hints for discussing and interacting with your children while interacting with a group of parents with children all around the same age.

1. Just because your kid comes up to you when the parents are all sitting together, doesn't mean you need to get all weepy with love. We all pretty much assume you love your kid. We don't need the waterworks. They're obnoxious.

2. You think your kid is better than all the other kids. We get it. We don't need to hear you one up us every time we say something about our own kids. Guess what? We think our kids are better than yours. We just have the humility and grace to keep that thought to ourselves. Try it.

3. If you have a group of parents sitting around a table, making notes on papers with pens, don't let your kid come over and start coloring on everyone else's papers. I don't let my kid do that (because he's supposed to be playing and interacting with the other kids) and because the kids need to know what the rules are. Your kid is a part of the class. Act like it and expect your kid to act like it. Besides, I've got enough scribbles on my papers at home, I don't need your kid's alleged Picasso all over my notes. (By the way, NO, the scribbles do not look like anything other than scribbles. Sorry to burst your bubble.)

4. If a teacher is talking, whether you feel the need to listen or not, keep your trap shut and at least pretend to be respectful. We're there to show our kids how to interact with teachers. They are expected to listen to the teacher. So are you. Don't be a douche and carry on your own conversation.

5. Consider the child you're raising. Do you want people to like this child? If so, enforce the rules. No one likes a kid that doesn't know how to listen and follow directions. Sure, I run toward the stricter end of the parent spectrum...it's how I roll. But I tell you what...I never have trouble finding a sitter, my kids get compliments on their manners and 9 times out of 10, we can get into and out of a store without a meltdown in Aisle 9.

The longer my kids are around, the less patience I have for nonsense and rudeness in other kids. And the same goes for their parents. I think everyone wants the best for their kids. I know everyone has a different idea about how to achieve that. But as a mother, I strongly suggest taking the above sections to heart.

Otherwise, you've been warned. I'll be coming and I will start punching.

(The kids will be nowhere in sight, however. We don't want them taking up that kind of nonsense.)

Special vs. Reality

Right now, I have all three kids in some form of school. The Monkey started kindergarten, the Noodle is in preschool and the Dude takes a community ed class for 1 and 2-year olds.

When the Monkey and Noodle were younger, they also took community ed classes. I like to say I took them to get a jump on their love of education, but truth be told, if I didn't get the three of us out of the house, I'm pretty sure the men in white coats and the special jackets were going to show up...and soon. I was new to the stay-at-home thing and not adjusting well. So, off to school we went.

Now it's the Dude's turn. And once again, I find myself spending time with parents, mostly moms, that I most likely would never meet if it weren't for this class. I'm not a Mom's Club gal and I don't think my kids are the reason the earth revolves. There's one dad in the class and I already know him, so we tend to chat and exchange grimaces when the "special" moms start in on how wonderfully perfect their kids are. Disclaimer: I use "moms" because those are the people in the class. I'm sure there are plenty of "special" dads out there too.

Here's the thing about the "special" moms:

I don't believe them.

Sure, I believe they love/adore/obsess about their kids. I also believe there's a slight chance their 18-month old is potty-trained. And the kid stealing toys from the other kids might be able to play a piano concerto and that one in the corner picking his nose is an incredible artist in the style of Monet.

Mostly, in a class of 1 and 2-year olds, I believe the kids are learning to speak (the Dude has very little interest in talking. He's got 2 older sisters and they yak enough for at least 8 people.) I believe that they can point to a cow when you ask him/her where the cow is. I believe they understand 90% of what you say to them. I believe they have opinions and feelings and likes and dislikes. I believe they can express all those things.

I don't believe your child is perfect. I don't believe your child never cries. I don't believe your child has never smacked another kid, taken another kid's toy, pooped on the floor, spit up, cried or could say the alphabet at 6 months. I believe you want your child to be perfect. And part of me gets that. There are a lot of people with perfection issues. I have some myself.

But once my kids showed up, a lot of that need for perfection went by the wayside. Sure, I'll tell you my kids are really smart and super cute and I do believe that. And if you tell me you're impressed by my kids' ability to do anything, I will smile, say "thank you" and agree with you wholeheartedly.

What I will not do is tell you my kids are fluent in Spanish, when they know a smattering of words care of that little explorer Dora. I will not tell you 4 and 5-olds don't ever fight or throw things or have meltdowns. I will not tell you that my son never cries because I won't let him.

I will tell you my middle one once crapped on the carpet and when we saw it, we were certain it was leprechaun poop. I will tell you my oldest is stubborn like me and we have showdowns. I will tell you my youngest threw a tantrum in Walmart and laid down in the middle of the soup aisle until I caved in and agreed to carry him.

I will tell you I make mistakes. I yell sometimes. I curse (mostly mentally). I hate having to come up with meals all the time. I'm a pretty bad housekeeper. Sometimes the kids go a little too long without baths. I've let them eat mac and cheese for breakfast. We've had popcorn for dinner. The children watch tv (gasp).

I will tell you I love my children and they drive me completely insane. I will tell you I adore my children and lots of days, my favorite time of day is bedtime. I will tell you even though I am a mom, that is not all of me. I will tell you being a parent is wonderful and also the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. The other day, a guy was complaining about working a 12-hour shift. I snorted and thought, "Dude, I've got a 5-year old. You know how many hours I've been at work?"

Everyone parents in their own style. I get that. And I think the "special" parents honestly want the best for their kids. As far as my own parenting style, I don't necessarily do it the way I assumed I would. I don't always do it the same way and I don't always do it well. But I hope what my children will learn, from my attempts at good parenting, is that they aren't perfect and neither am I.

And if we were, where's the fun in that? Because I'm 99% sure, there's no leprechaun poop in the "perfect" world.

Fun Friday

Fridays should be fun, right? I'm usually beat off my ass come Friday, but it's still early enough in the day, I think I can find some things to entertain you.

How 'bout this?

My 19-month old son has taken to "quacking" his penis. I'll leave the actual explanation up to your vivid imaginations. He also thinks it's funny to "quack" his father's "nickels".

Or this?

My almost 90-year old grandmother is notorious for mixing up expressions and names. For example:

Toyota Jackson

Lahota Jackson

Michelle Piper

Oh yeah, and her favorite word? Asshole.

And then there's this:

My mother like to ask very peculiar questions. And she's a little on the naive side (I say that with love, Mom.) For example, one day, my mom, step dad and I are standing in their kitchen, chatting. Next thing you know, my mom asks:

What is this tea bagging? I keep hearing about it.

At that point in the conversation, my step dad walked right out of the kitchen, just shaking his head.

How about this one?

I had just given birth to my first child, the Monkey. She was laying on my stomach, still covered in all that cheesy stuff, I was still riding the epidural train, and the whole crew in the room suddenly goes, "OH!" The child, all of 15-seconds old, had just crapped all over her mother for the first time. It was a very special moment.

Happy Friday, dear readers. Have a lovely weekend. See you Monday.

Success

A fellow blogger (you can find his blog here) posted a question on his Facebook page this morning.

What is success?

I don't have a direct answer to this question. If I did, I'm pretty sure I could solve the national debt problem, cure cancer and time travel.

I have figured out, however, that success means different things to everyone. Sure, there's the typical answer: Money, big house, fancy car, blah, blah, blah. Currently, I have none of those things, so that can't be my "answer".

So, at this moment in time, here's how I define success:

1. Walking the Monkey to her first day of kindergarten and knowing, with a swell of pride, that we are both ready for this day.

2. Talking the Noodle into putting her socks on, so we can leave the house. Sure, she whips 'em off the second we walk in the door and I have piles of tiny socks all over my house, but at least she wears them when we leave the house.

3. Having a husband and children I adore...and adore me right back.

4. Having a house full of crazy ass animals.

5. Finishing my first rough draft of my attempt at a children's book series.

6. Having dear friends. Even though we're all busy with work and kids and life, I would drop everything for them...and they for me.

7. Knowing my brain still works. Sure, it takes mini vacation on an almost-daily basis, and sometimes needs a little extra medication, but it's still kickin'.

8. When the kids finish a meal, any meal, I've cooked. It happens rarely.

9. Knowing my kids are happy.

10. Knowing other people like my kids. Makes it much easier to get a babysitter.

I also have future visions of success. These are things I'm currently looking forward to and hope will happen.

1. Showering on a daily basis without being interrupted.

2. 3 potty-trained children.

3. Taking a vacation.

4. Buying wine...in actual bottles.

5. Publishing a book(s).

6. Covering the gray on a consistent basis.

7. Disposable income. Just because it's nice to not have the added stress.

8. The kids becoming adults and having people still like them.

9. Being able to sleep in on the weekends.

10. On-demand quiet time.

Sure, a big house, lots of money and fancy cars would be nice. But give me a quiet house, a book, happy kids, a husband who still looks at me like I'm 22 (despite all the lumps and bumps) and a cold box of wine in the fridge, and I'm happy as a clam.

SUCCESS!