Dirty Little Secret

Good Morning. My name is Maegan and I am a klepto. And it's all my kids' fault.

It started off innocently enough. Doesn't it always? When my oldest was 1, she had a prescription that needed to be filled monthly, so at least once a month, I'd put her in the stroller, the baby in the baby carrier, and we'd make the short trek up to Walgreens. Once there, I'd do a little shopping, but since my hands were full, I'd put stuff into the bottom of the stroller. I'd only pick up small things, like a bottle of water, some energy drinks, maybe a snack for the older kid. By the time I got up to the prescription counter, at least one of the kids was fussing, so I'd pay for the medicine and whatever happened to be in my hand. It never occurred to me to recall the items in the stroller...until I started walking home. Invariably, I'd get hot and thirsty on the way home, so I'd grab something cold from the bottom of the stroller and realize, "Crap. I didn't actually pay for this, did I?" But by that point, I'd be more than halfway home and I'll be damned if I'm going to walk all the way back to pay for something that I didn't actually mean to steal.

Since baby #3, it's only gotten worse. Now, whenever I go to the grocery store, I've got the baby in the front of the cart, usually at least one other kid in the cart and the other one hanging off the sides. Fragile things like eggs and bananas must be kept away from kicking legs of destruction, cases of Diet Coke tend to squish small bodies, and so they are squirreled away at the bottom of the cart. Once it's time to pay, it's every man for himself as I attempt to keep 2 kids from pushing the buttons on the conveyor belt, because the teenager who rings me up likes to put the bread in front of the canned goods. I need to contain 2 energy-laden bodies within a 2-foot radius so they don't get run over by an 80-year old woman's scooter cart, hand over coupons, stick a nuk back in a baby's mouth, bag groceries, pay for groceries, answer at least 80 different questions, get the groceries in the cart, get my change, check the receipt, corral 2 kids through the parking lot, put 3 kids in car seats, unload groceries, and return a cart to the corral...all in preferably under 7 minutes...or one kid is sure to blow. So, do I remember the various sundries on the bottom of my cart? Sure, I do. Once I start unloading the damn thing. And by that point, I've got 3 kids loaded into a car, as well as perishable groceries, and I'll be damned if I'm going to go back into the store and pay for the stuff the on the bottom of my cart.

Really, I don't steal on purpose. And I'm sure most kleptos say the same thing. But the way I figure it, I've left plenty of paid items in stores since I've had kids. I have no idea what they are, but I'm sure I've done it. And technically, it's the cashier's job to check for items on the bottom of carts. If my 3 and 4-year olds know there are mirrors on the side of the cashier's booth, then the cashier should know they're there too. I never steal stuff from Sam's Club, because they automatically check the bottoms of carts. In fact, they encourage you to leave things there! Imagine that!

So, am I sorry I steal stuff? A little. Will I encourage my children to steal stuff? Absolutely not. But if there comes a day when they have kids of their own, and they're tired and under-caffeinated and happen to shoplift a few things, unintentionally of course, I will laugh with them and direct them to this post.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a chilled Diet Coke calling my name...