Craptastic

Scene One: Approximately 3:00 a.m. Bedroom. Mother sound asleep. 2-year old wide awake. 2-year old crawls into bed with mother, crawling over the top of the sleeping mother, sticking sharp elbows in places not meant to be stuck.

Toddler (tearily): Mommy, I got a runny nose!
Mother (wiping nose with tissue): All better?
Toddler: Yes.
Mother: Ok. Time for sleeping now. Close your eyes and go to sleep.
Toddler: Ok. (pause) You got long eyelashes Mama!
Mother: Mm-hm. Sleeping.
Toddler: Ok. I got the daddy pillow?
Mother: Mm-hm. Sleeping!

The toddler continues to pester the mother with questions for another 1 1/2 hours. In the meantime, toddler strips down to diaper, repeatedly clocks mother in head, chats incessantly. Finally around 4:15, toddler falls asleep.

Cue toddler #2. Starts coughing in her sleep. Continues to do so until she awakens for good at 7:30. Mother re-awakens with each couching jag.

Scene Two: Approximately 8:30 a.m. Toddlers attempting to eat breakfast (read toast and juice slowly munched and sipped while wandering around the house). Neighbor girl comes to house. Mother has yet to imbibe first inhalation of caffeine. Toddlers insist on playing outside. Mother caves in. Neighbor girl is now on porch, encouraging toddlers to come play. Mother dresses children, brushes hair and teeth, applies sunscreen, shoos cranky dog indoors so neighbor girl will not get eaten. All children play outside. Toddler #1 takes first trip down the slide, lands on bottom and bursts into tears. Mother finally quiets child. Toddler #1 proceeds to step off deck, slips a bit and again, bursts into tears. Neighbor girl decides its time to skip town. Mother thinking inappropriate thoughts about neighbor girl. Mother takes toddlers into house, attempts to appease them with My Little Pony video - the LIVE version. Toddlers proceed to burst into intermittent tears at least 3 more times in the following 20 minutes. Mother decides it's an early nap day.

Scene Three: Mother drugs children and puts them to bed. Fills cribs with a multitude of books and tissues. Children settle into beds comfortably. Mother breathes a sigh of relief, thinking she's in the clear. Mother is sorely mistaken. Mother proceeds to make approximately 80 billion trips upstairs to wipe noses, resettle children, change diapers, threaten children. Mother finally gives in and lets children out of cribs.

Scene Four: Mother calls friend to see what time is an ok time to start drinking. It's 5:00 p.m. somewhere right?